Coupons & Addiction

 Some of you may remember another post about my so-called-addiction. If not,
http://smokindrinkinmomma.blogspot.com/2011/06/addicted-of-course-not.html

 I realized last night that I had no, And I mean NO candles in this house. Not even a tea light. How could I have let myself run out of candles? I'm sure this is the first sign of the Zombie Apocalypse. So, I'll be boarding up the house after this. I mentioned this to Loser this morning and his reaction was "Oh that's a shame". No shock in his voice at all. We can't have that.

 We decided to take the twatwaffles to dinner and low and behold, There was a Bed Bath & Beyond right across the street. (ok so yeah, I knew it was there and maybe I DID plant the idea of 5 guys for supper but hey, Ya gotta do what you gotta do).

I very simply and somewhat shyly asked, "Hey, You think we could stop and see if they have any candles on sale when we're done? Ya know, Since we're right here and all?" Oh my. After 15 years of marriage, He still falls for it. Get the soul sucking leeches in the truck and he sighs and says "Where is this place?" I just kinda gave a general direction. Still playing the "You don't have to do this if you don't want to" game. And then we were there.

 That place is my Home Depot. Straight to the back and there was a choir of angels singing from above. There was every scent imaginable. And then, I looked at the clearance section. Cuz, That's how I roll. ALWAYS go there first. And I'm gunna tell ya why. What's my favorite scent? Garden Sweetpea. It smells clean and fabulous. What's another favorite? CINNAMON! Not that sugary cinnamon crap. But the cinnamon that makes the kids say "It smells like a red hot in here". AND what did I find on the clearance shelves? Glad you asked.

Is this a sign or what? This is the Gods demanding me to buy candles. As many as I can carry.Or make the kids carry. These fantastic, 3 wick candles are huge. And regular price is $19.99. marked down to $9.99. The tall one? Regular $24.99. Marked down to? $14.99.

Now there is something Loser didn't know. If you read the post up there^^^, You'll know that even though I love torturing him, I do so with as little money spent as possible. Oh Yes. Not only was I shopping from the clearance shelf, I HAD COUPONS! $10

.00 off $25.00 or more. 2 of them.

So what did I do? 2 of the 3 wick candles and this

 Mmmmmm, Cinnamon. Made the total about $38.00. For 3 candles. With my coupon? $28.00. Now that was the first transaction. I couldn't just get $10.00 off now could I?

 Next was this. The tall tumbler, The last 3 wick, and these. Now yes, I know I reached the $25.00 mark with just the 2 big candles, But these are clean smells. And I really wanted them. They were a whopping $.99. "I have another coupon please and thanks."
$31.00 turns into $21.00.

 I'm not sure Loser realized how much money I just saved him. Yes I spent $50 on candles. But I spent $50 on candles that are fantastic and last a LONG time. And I'm saving the cinnamon ones for fall. I got home and added up what I would have spent if they weren't on sale and I didn't have coupons.

 I bought $100.00 in candles for $49.00. Because I make him buy me candles and I manipulate him (he likes it) but I do it with compassion.

 So, He bought me candles today. Lots of big, fantastic, fabulous smelling candles that were on sale. I guess I can't ask for anymore for another month or so. That's ok though. I got coupons.

Parenting, Sometimes it's fun.

 I like to think I'm an ok mom. I don't like to harp on the kids on things they should be doing. Because I shouldn't have to tell them twice. As they are here. At the house. All day. Every day, There are certain responsibilities that they are assigned. I don't live here by myself, Therefore I shouldn't clean it by myself. And by golly, How are they going to keep their houses & clothes clean if they don't learn how to do it?

 Rewind to this past weekend. I had asked them, very nicely I might add, To pick up the living room and to wash the dishes. And anyone who's grown up in a half way normal, Non spoiling, Kids don't have chores house knows that, "Wash the dishes" means, Do the dishes, clean and/or bleach the counter, sweep the floors etc.... In short, Do the dishes = CLEAN THE KITCHEN! How this has escaped their notice is beyond me.

 The living room apparently is another room that baffles them. Not my fault. I've taught them how to do it. They just choose not to.

 So Saturday night, My "mom" switch flipped. I turned to Loser and said, "I had planned on making Sunday Supper tomorrow, But now I'm not cooking a damned thing." I was going to fry chicken, smashed taters, green beans, biscuits and fried okra. Not this momma. He decided to begin the "Whoa Whoa Whoa, What did I do?" And I politely told him that if I am punished right along with the kids by him, Well then, How's this taste buddy?

 I do believe he thought I was bluffing.

 However, When he had to drive the kids to Burger King for supper. I think they got the message. I gave them Monday to redeem their poor lecherous souls. Poor, clueless twatwaffles.

 My oldest is the one that takes up the slack for the other 2 just so she doesn't have to listen to me. I gave her the day off. Gave the younger 2 their perspective jobs.

 #1. The living room. I want the carpet vacummed (even though it's ugly and stained, It can still be clean). I want under the couches cleaned. Cushions off the couches and vacummed. Tables cleaned and waxed. TV cleaned. Covers off dog beds and washed. Candles lit and on tables.

 #2. The dining room. Table cleaned. Chairs pulled out and the carpet vacummed. Floor swept where there is no carpet.

 #3. The bathroom. Tub scrubbed (inside and out). Toilet scrubbed. Sink scrubbed. Trash taken out. Floor swept. Carpets taken out.

 #4. The kitchen! Dishes done. Counters sterilized. Drain tray bleached Bleach is the most fantastic thing ever). Microwave cleaned (inside and out). Floor cleaned. Mat in front of the sink taken out and cleaned. Stove cleaned. Trash taken out and the can sprayed.

 I do believe I am hated now. But I think the message is sinking in. Especially when I am walking through the house and pointing out tiny pieces of paper they have missed on the floor. Or stains on the counter they missed. Dirty clothes laying on the floor of the laundry room (which by the way is an extension of the kitchen).

 By noon, They were seething, Irritated little blobs. I was blissfully happy.

 Today is going to be great. And if they don't get the hint before the weekend, It's dollar menu with Dad on Sunday.

It's all falling apart!

 Ok. Me and Loser have been homeowners for the past 14 years. We are in our early 30's and are halfway through our mortgage.Score! However. A 14 year old, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom doublewide (we bought 3 acres of land and we couldn't afford to buy a house) is falling to pieces a little at a time. Doors fall off hinges. Floors get a little spongy from 14 years of fabulous Florida humidity and bathtubs and washing machines overflowing. Siding starts to look a little more worn every year. Holes in the sheetrock. And what the hell is the problem with skirting? That crap never lasts.

 I sit in my living room and look around. I see boxes of crap that we took out of storage because I hated paying that much money to rude, nasty people every month. The floor we put down 10 years ago is coming up so there are bare patches everywhere. The kids' bedroom doors are gone from years of slamming and abuse. The kids' bathroom mirror was broken a while back. The linoleum in the kitchen is stained from crap falling on it and the washing machine overflowing quite a few times. (we have terrible luck with appliances)

 I sit and think *It's a 14 year old double wide. They weren't meant to last forever* However, It still burns my ass that it looks crappy. Soon we are building a shed to store all the stuff we had in storage. We are planning on recarpeting the living room and dining room because I hate hardwood. I like to be barefoot and hate walking on dirt. I would be sweeping and swiffering all day long. Running a vacuum around once a day seems much better. And it's warmer in the winter. Suck it up.

 I'm repainting both rooms and hopefully the kitchen. I have NEW furniture. The very first set of new furniture I have ever had. I was always leary of it with the kids. I have tablezilla in my dining room. It's big, wooden and seats 10 people. I LOVE this table.

 The yard is another ball of grass altogether. Not much grows in the front half of the yard. The back part, By the house has fantastic, thick, green grass. I just can't for the life of me think of anything to do with it. Wait. I know JUST what I want to do with it.

 And herein lies the main problem. All this crap costs mucho monies. So until I get word that the rich uncle I didn't know about kicks it and leaves me all his money or I come up with the next big internet scam, I'll just sit on my loverly new couch, Look at my horrible floor, Glare at the boxes that seem to mock me even more every day of my life and weep into my very strong alocoholic drink.

 Very strong.

 And by the way, It may be old, falling apart and ugly But IT'S CLEAN DAMNIT!

Love the scary stuff.

 I love horror movies. Alot. Like, ALOT alot. Zombies, Vampires, Demons rampaging the earth, Supernatural scariness, Mindbending thirllers that make you scratch your head at the end of the movie and think "What did I watch? I have to watch that again". I love it.
I love sitting in the dark with ear buds and no one around (Loser doesn't like them so much) and have the crap scared out of me. I yearn for that uncomfortable feeling that good horror movies give you.

 I have been watching them since I was about 4. I can rememnber sitting on the couch with my mom watching "The Howling" and loving every minute of it. I remember some movie that had a beach and something lived under the sand and pulled people under. I LOVED IT! I was never into the killer animal movies like Jaws. That wasn't scary to me. Stupid people swimming in a sharks refrigerator. What did they expect?

 Now I have been watching horror movies for around 25+ years. It takes alot to scare me anymore. There are 2 movies that scare me. Well, not scare me but have things in it that scare me.


#1. The Exorcist. Not the whole movie. There is a creepy "Holy Crap" vibe to it. But WTF IS UP WITH THIS?!

 I mean seriously. Was this necessary? Were they just trying to make me pee my pants and have a mini heart attack? And they can't just show it. They have to be all sneaky about it. "Oh it's just a dark room and she's alone. HOLY S*#T WHAT WAS THAT?" Not fair.

#2. Poltergiest Part 2. Now I love the first one. And don't get me wrong. It scared the crap out of me. The tree freaked me out. And the pool in the rain! (which were all actual human skeletons by the way). But part 2 had an especially delicious bit of evil.

What the hell were they thinking?! This still makes me want to beat the crap out of something every time I see it. And OH Loser doesn't like horror movies but he simply can't pass up a chance to come up behind me and start his "Hello little girl" crap. He knows it makes me freak. This man is so freakishly scary to me it makes me a bit unstable.

Now, My loverly twatwaffles are being indoctrinated into my very own little "Horror Club". They love the scary as much as I do. So when I saw that "Insidious" was coming to DVD, WELL THEN, We have to see that. So I get it. I decide to watch it (as I do all movies before the kids watch them) Everyone in the house was asleep. I popped in my ear buds,  Turned out all the lights, popped it into my computer and hit play.

Holy Mother Of All Things Holy!

I had to stop it 3 times. I washed dishes, Did laundry, Made myself a cup of coffee. It has been years since I enjoyed being that scared. It may have been somewhat enviornmental but Wow. If you like scary movies, Watch it. In the dark, With the volume loud. I won't give any spoilers but shazam.

I rarely read reviews because, Hey, Everyone's taste is different. But I read some after I watched this fabulous piece of film and everyone seems to agree. You will need a valuim at some point in this movie.

SO , Hit the redbox, Buy it, Borrow it, Whatever you have to do. But watch this movie.

*achoo*

 I have allergies. Lots of them. I hate them. My eyes are itchy, red and watery. My nose is red and swollen with stuff coming out of it. My chest is itchy and coughy and my throat feels like the honeymoon suite for 2 porcupines. Needless to say, I look like Jimmy Durante with a hangover.

 I'm waiting on the Zyrtec to start working. The benedryl doesn't work anymore. And don't give me that crap about "Oh well "Make you not blow snot out your nose on your husband amine" doesn't make you tired and works GREAT!" Bullshit. The stuff that makes you loopy in the allergy meds is what stops the sneezing, coughing, watery eye crap. Antihistamines make you stoned and tired.
                              
 My current use of toilet paper makes me glad I buy double rolls. You can always tell when Momma has the allergy demons knocking on her door. There is a trail of empty toilet paper
rolls coming from the bedroom and a mountain of snot rags on the bed. I LOVE the anti viral kleenex but damn. $3 a box of $5 for 12 rolls of TP? I know what I need.

 I hate my allergies. They make me feel like a bird and a pig did it in my bedroom closet and gave me a mutated combo of avian and bird flu. Achy, coughy, sneezy. Makes me gross. And let's not forget about the headaches. Aren't those beautifully fantastic? You get a simple headache and then the coughing and sneezing turn it into a massive, hideous glob of head pain like no other. Just on this side of a migraine.

 So now I'm going to double dose on antihistamines and see if I can walk through my house without breaking something or having someone laugh at me. I may or may not end up on Youtube.

I love peaches.

 Peaches. The fabulous fruit from fruity fruit trees of summer. (couldn't think of a "F" word for summer). I love them. Anyway I can get them. My favorite however is the big, ripe fuzzy fresh peach that takes both hands to hold and you have to eat it over the kitchen sink with a dishtowel under your chin. *drool*

However, They are only in season for a very short time. Living in the south means I get the pick of the best. This year, I made jam. Lots and lots of jam. It's fantasticaly peachy.

The best way, On a biscuit. The way it's freakin supposed to be!

Growing up, I thought there were only 4 flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, Vanilla, Peppermint and PEACH! There is nothing more fantastically fabulously delicious than fresh peach ice cream. I need an ice cream maker. I need one quickfastandinahurry.

Needless to say, I love peaches. So imagine my joy when I turned the corner at the store and there is a bottle of wine staring at me. Not just any wine. PEACH wine! And not just peach wine. Peach wine with a $1 off coupon hanging on it. Oh sweet peach gods, You have smiled upon me. Ok so it wasn't the best, most expensive wine to begin with. But I don't have the most sophisticated palate in the world and I am quite happy with a bottle of cheap wine. A bottle of cheap peach wine. That was $1 cheaper than all the other bottles. My glass holds half a bottle at a time. At this moment, I'm half a bottle down. Soon, I won't be able to read this thouroughly.

I like my cheap wine. It likes me. And is actually quite tastey. AND IT WAS $1 OFF!!!!!!
                          SCORE! Now to eat my dove bar and finish off this bottle.

It's Alive!!!!!

 Ok so, my hair. Many nights have been spent fighting the apparent living thing on top of my head. I swear I can hear the strands talking to each other in the night when they think I'm not listening.

 "Ok, so tonight, You 2 wrap around each other and go to the right. And you, Yeah you guys over there, You go to the left. Everyone else, Go up."

 I do everything I can to calm it. Gel, Flat Irons, Round Brushes and Blow Dryers. It stays put for a couple hours. But it has ADD. It does what the hell it wants. "Want me to stay down? Spend 45 minutes making me straight? WELLLLL THEN. Watch this!"

This is what I start with. You see the additude I put up with? Cheeky bitches, Every strand. I start with washing. Then towel dry. Add some gel and let that set for about 20 minutes then blow it out. I usually let that cool down until my flat iron is heated up nice and hot so I can abuse it a little more. Then I flatten the shit out of it.

It doesn't stay this way for long. It's a constant battle. I think it's just time to have my hair wrangler cut the back shorter. That seems to be my hooligan section. They never behave. I can make it stay down in the front pretty good. But the back hates me. They're plotting on me now. Thinking I can't hear them over the *tic tic tic* of the keyboard. That and the constant snore/fart combo from Loser. I really need to cut back on his mexican food.

 Yeah, most assuredly it's the back of my head that's the problem. I'll be taking care of that this weekend. I hope. Probably not. But where's the harm in hoping right?

"She's the weird one"

 I am the youngest of 6 children. I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. All the others seem to be, In society's eyes, Normal. And then there is me. I don't do the things I do for shock value or attention. I simply do them because I like the things I do.

 What could she possibly do? Well then, let me introduce you to my eccentricites.

 #1. Tattoos. I love tattoos. Every one I have means somethingsand I am well aware what will happen when I am older. I get to stretch my skin back out and play "Guess that tat". I currently have 6 tattoos. Ranging from a mother's tattoo of butterflies in the colors of my kid's birthstones to a spur of the moment executioner on my leg. I have much more planned. Some with deep meaning and some that I just think "Holy Shit, that would be such a cute/pretty/wicked/weird tattoo. I love the feeling of a tattoo needle. I love the smell of green soap. I will always want tattoos. I just can't afford them when I want them.

 #2. Piercings. Again. I love piercings. I have had 7 piercings. Some I have taken out and some I have kept. I have had my tongue, eyebrow, cartilidge in my ear, double ear (does that count?) and my nose twice. I currently have 1 nose ring and my ears. My favorite by far was my eyebrow. But it fell out in my sleep and closed before I could find it. (Ok I was lazy and didn't really look for it but just happened upon it 3 weeks later in my bathroom floor). I will get it redone.

 #3. My hair. Come on people. Lighten up. It's only hair. You cut it and it grows back. You can color it and if you don't like it, Color it back. I grew up with VERY long hair and now it bugs the ever loving shit out of me if it touches my collar. I like the inverted bob. Hair color. Now that's a different story. I have had black with bright red streaks, Black with blue streaks, Burgundy, Pure black, brown, So many different colors. And ridiculed by my "loving" family for every choice. Tough shit. Ya aint my daddy and ya don't pay my bills.

 Needless to say, I am comfortable in different skins. The people that I truely love (even if they don't feel the same) may not like it, but it's me. I accept them no matter what they wear or how they look.

 Loser never comments on what I do. He never knows what he'll come home to. I have shown up with 13 inches of hair gone and a ring through my nose. He always says "I love it". The twatwaffles know their way around a tattoo shop. They have some picked out for when they are old enough. I refuse to sign that paper. The oldest wants her lip pierced but can't have it on the softball team.

 So this evening when I colored my hair auburn, A color I have never tried, I was a little nervous on how it would look. I thought the black was grown out of my hair so I just started coloring. Rinsed that out, Took a bath, Started the weedeater and took it to my legs, and rinsed the kick ass hair crack out of my hair. WELL, The black wasn't grown out, But that's ok. It is faded enough so that it looks like dark auburn fading into even darker auburn.

  Now the big question, How long will it take for someone to notice and when can I get another tattoo!? I have 4 perfect choices but damn they're expensive!

 So I guess the point of this post is...Hell I don't know. You'll accept the people you love the way they are or some shit like that.

Stingy Housewife Time

 Ok, I'm a homeschooling, stay at home mom of 3. Usually 1 or more extra kids running around the house. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew very early on that my life would be cooking, cleaning, raising kids etc.... And I'm fine with that.

 Just never knew it would be lonely.

 Loser worked nightshift for 15 years. We wanted day shift for years. His line of work, however, It's difficult to get it. Finally, DAYSHIFT. The heavens opened up and angels were singing. He was finally able to make it to the kids' ball games and having supper with the kids and get to bed before 2am.

 I love him working days. What I'm not so in love with is not having 1 moment alone with him. It's a rare night when we can run to our bedroom and have some time with just us. We always sat up talking about stuff. Nothing like nuclear fission or world peace. Just stuff.

 My "chocolate covered strawberry" surprise the other night was totally wasted. Was going to tell the kids "Knock on this door just 1 time and I will remove the hand you used", Pop in a movie that Loser enjoys, bring in some strawberries and some other goodies, And just spend some time alone together.

 He gets out of the shower and says "I'm gunna lay down." Kinda sounded to me like " Ya wanna?" I settled all the kids down, walked in the bedroom and HE'S ASLEEP already. Figured my night was wasted so I took something for my back, decided to put in a movie, went to turn on Loser's lamp on his nightstand and POP. There was a wasp. He didn't like me.

 It hurt. Very much bad. I guess my cusing and slamming doors woke him up. He was coniderate enough to ask what happened and kill the wasp. Made sure my throat wasn't closing up. Then right back to sleep.

 I understand he's tired sometimes. But I think there is a chemical in the bedroom that works on us totally different. I sit here awake typing to other adults while he starts snoring as soon as he feels 400 thread count hit his big, bald head. Where as I struggle with mind numbingly boring insomnia and lack of sleep.

 My TV and computer have taken over for my lack of adult companionship. Wow I need a drink now. See ya next time.


 

Therapy will be expensive.

 Saturday night. Been a busy day. Me and Loser did the grocery shopping by ourselves. I found strawberries buy one get one free and they were gorgeous. I bought 4 packs, containers, plastic boxes of death, Whatever. Oh what to do with big, beautiful dark red strawberries?

 You sort them out, Get them arranged, And melt chocolate to the perfect temperature

                                           Then you dip them bitches.

 I am still dealing with the back pain of the decade so I took a pain pill about an hour ago. Unfortunatley, They make me more hyper than a squirrel on crack. The twatwaffles were "helping" me which means they ate the berries that were too small to dip and BUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF ME

 I tried to ignore their incessant rambling when I heard "Pull up your pants, I can almost see your dinkle" WTF IS A DINKLE?!

 And then, As I'm stirring the chocolate, My oldest starts "Bros-ing" me. For those of you unfamiliar with this charming action.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTpiJ8z2OfM&feature=related.

 Fast forward to 4:11.

 Now imagine 4 children doing this to me at once. As I'm dipping strawberries in a slightly altered state. Needless to say, it's hard not to at least give a chuckle when this is going on. (I think those unicorns are gay by the way).

 Now fast forward to strawberries in the fridge setting and the kids wanting to watch a movie. (Mom gets to pick BWAHAHAHA) The oldest decides to go take a shower. Next thing I freakin see is her running through the dining room in her shorts and bra. If that wasn't enough, 2 minutes later she comes in wrapped in a towel to tell me one of the boy childs friends left his swimming trunks here and she took that time to flash me.

 Not one to let an opportunity pass him by, The boy child stands up and threatens to flash her back, Well then, My darling middle girl decides to call his bluff and pants him in the living room. (the whole time I'm in between fits of laughter and trying to tell them to act like they were born with at least half a brain)

 The dog decides while I am distracted and the twatwaffles are in hysterical fits while the boy tries to pull his pants back up because his dinkle is blowin in the wind, to grab his shorts and pull him to the ground.

 Here I am in another dilemma. Do I stop laughing uncontrollably at my son on the floor fighting the dog for his shorts and dignity or do I stop the dog before she had dinkle for dinner?

 As we sit now enjoying the fruits *heh* of my labor and wiping melty chocolate off my keyboard, We are watching "The Exorcist". Thankfully my insurance plan covers therapy.

She's Fabulous!

 So my oldest sister called me tonight. Which was strange because when she called, I was reading her Facebook post. Like literally hadn't finished reading her post and thinking "I should call her and see how she's doing" and the phone rang. Gossiped for a few minutes about her shit for brains, soon to be ex husband and general BS. Then she tells me to pull up Youtube and find a young woman named Jenna Marbles.

 If you haven't yet seen this new and fabulous addition to the Youtube and blog world, WELL THEN Let me introduce you. *ahem* Incredibly small audience, I present to you.....
                                            JENNA MARBLES!!!!!!!


     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0

                                       http://www.jennamarblesblog.com/

 I implore you to thumb through her Youtube channel and read her blog. There is a little innapropriate language so, Unless your very own twatwaffles are as unhinged as mine and get that kind of humor, I would lock them in thier closets until you are done watching and laughing uncontrolably. Or just tell them to leave the room. I think that is a little more legal.

 Oh and I would advise not having any liquid in your mouth when watching. Just a heads up.