Attack of the 15 Year Old Organ!!!

So, Let's start at the start shall we?

My oldest is a softball player. She's really good. She made the All Star team. As #1 catcher. This means 2 practices a day. This means it's Up, Down, Up, Throw for 2 hours at a time, twice a day. Well, 2 days into this, she comes to me and says "Mom, I think I've pulled something." Great. Just effin great. We begin the Heat, Ice, Ibuprofen regimen. All better in like, 2 days huh? Wrong bitches! The story is just getting good. Because then, THEN she starts throwing up like a frat boy on a Saturday night. A stomach bug too? Just what we need. 

 Like a responsible parent (stop laughing) I take her to the Dr on a Thursday. Explain all the symptoms and he pushes around on her stomach, Asks if she's had a fever (He hadn't) blah, blah, blah. Send her for X Rays just to be sure. Anti barfy meds and to home we go. She starts feeling a little better on Saturday, Actually eats on Sunday and then.....All Hell breaks loose.

 Monday dawns with her doing a walk similar to that seen on The Exorcist (The good one, With all the weird stuff put back in it) and barely able to stand. In the truck and to the ER. We had all hopes of them saying "Yeah, Here is some more stuff, She just pulled her muscle REALLY bad." They didn't say that. What they DID say however is... "We aren't sure what is wrong with your physically effed up daughter because her body is like a total weirdo thing and we're trying new stuff" I may be paraphrasing ."But we're going to do blood work and ultra sounds and X Rays and Oh hell, Let's do a CT Scan too. We haven't used that machine in a while. We aren't sure what's wrong, But no one is leaving until we are." 

 Then we get the fantastic news that her appendix, WHICH has shown no signs of anything, has ruptured. And she's like, Septic and shit. Surgery, ASAP. Ok, This is a fairly routine thing. We'll have it done and that's that. Riiiiiight? Wrong motherfucker. We were in that hospital for 24 days! 

 4 days after the FIRST, yes that says first surgery, She begins throwing up AGAIN! It's that nasty dark green, infection filled puke too. You know what I'm talking about. "We're doing ANOTHER blood test and another CT Scan in the morning." And then, AND THEN..... "There is more infection and 4 abscesses in your daughter because she is some weird freak of nature and the antibiotics aren't working. again, paraphrasing We're going back in!"

 The next morning, She's rolled downstairs and into surgery. They go in with their little sucky thing and get the infection out. She comes back with 3 drain tubes hanging out of her stomach. Oh and she's totally fucked up because she got the good pharmaceuticals. We sat in that hospital for 24 days. Me watching and not being able to do anything and trying to do what I could Just try and eat something, I'll change the dressings, You have to get up and walk, No I said that medicine doesn't work, Don't make me make you visit the ER. And her, Coughing crap up, Crying from the pain, Hitting her Dilaudid button, Getting nauseous when they flushed her drains, Irritated from sitting in that room, Getting depressed because none of her friends came to see her after the first week. My friends came. But that's different.

 24 days. I never left the hospital but once and for about 45 minutes. I watched my daughter lose about 20 pounds in 24 days. 

 On a serious note. I never, And I mean never want to go through anything like that again. You don't realize how helpless you are until your child is that sick and you can't do anything. Not a fucking thing.

 I know more stuff happened, but it's 3am. And my butt really hurts. So, Stay tuned n shit.

That's it. It's haunted

 My neighborhood was once the scene for a historical and totally badass Revolutionary War Battle*. Seriously Yall. Therefore, I have decided that my house rests on the bodies of hundreds of soldiers hastily prepared graves. And so, My house is haunted. Or the land. Or both. Who knows. IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION! No one has this much bad luck.

 And nothing really grows on the front half acre. I believe that's where they are buried. I like to think their friends gave them a nice funeral, if hurried because hey, it was in the middle of a war. And maybe because we haven't given them totally awesome headstones shaped like muskets, they are plaguing us with health, financial and a myriad of other problems.

 Do ghosts do that?

 I think we should train small monkeys as baristas and have them make us coffee. But Loser says I have already trained the twatwaffles to do that and that the monkey would poo in it and the twatwaffles PROBABLY wouldn't. So he won't let me train a monkey. No sense of adventure. We could have named him Chester.

 Farewell Chester, You will be greatly missed.

 I need a new tattoo. Our 16th anniversary is coming up real soon and my niece drew this totally badass picture and I want it. For a present. And he must make it so.The only hitch is he wants this gun. And I've been totally telling him no for years. Not because I'm against guns, He bought me my .38. But because it takes $5 every time you pull the trigger. Soooo he decides to tell me that I can have my tattoo if he can have his gun. And seeing that the cost of the new tattoo and getting my other one finished will be about the same as the gun. I totally walked into that one.

 I've decided that all the sleeping pills that the Dr has given me aren't working because they are actually treating my depression and/or anxiety issues. When I take them, I just kind of even out. Not get tired. I should probably mention this to him. I wonder if they're open on Saturdays.

 That's it. You can go now.

WAIT!

* Battle Of Thomas Creek. Look it up. It's totally real.

Nothing to see here, Move it along.

Been sleeping a lot. I think. Maybe I'm just awake when everyone else is asleep? 

 Starting to have hope. Have a few irons in the fire. Fingers crossed and everything. Trying to find a few places to volunteer. Can't get a job. My frikin resume fits on a damn post it. Wonder if I can find a place to volunteer and get paid?
  
 Who thought of naming a condom "Trojans". Not a very good comparison really. Trojan horse breaks in, A bunch of little people jump out and cause a rukus. Anyway.

 Loser is going out of town in a week. He'll be gone for a week. Wonder what I can do/get into while he's gone. One of the sisters is supposed to come and stay with me. Pretty sure I can talk her into anything.

 Can't wait to move out of the south. Lived here all my life and wow. There are so many nasty, close-minded, bigoted, scared people here. The scary part is they're raising kids to be just like them.

 Summer is setting in early. This is my bad season. It's hot, nasty, sweaty and the house always gets a weird smell because it's too hot to open the windows and air the house out. Time to spend more money on what? CANDLES!!!!


 Thought about quitting smoking, But then I would have to change the name up there ^^^. 


 It's a bad week. Trying to find a therapist but have no idea how to do this.
 

Totally inept as a mother, wife, functioning member of society.

 Seriously. How in the hell did I think I could raise and home school 3 children, Hold down a household, Be a completely understanding and supportive wife?

 Lying here trying to go to sleep (keep dreamin sunshine), I started wondering when I had this weird idea. 

 "Yes, Trying to be supermom and keep my intact sanity all at one was a fabulous idea!"

 Twatwaffle #1 will be 16 in 4 months. She can receive her GED in September. Is she going to be able to get it? Did I do my job? Did I give her everything she needs? What if they tell her  " Sorry, But your mom is a dumbass and you're actually on a 4th grade level." Seriously. And I have 2 more behind her. My kids will end up changing tires and feeding pigeons in the park cursing me for being a completely incompetent mother that barely taught them to read. Can't even find someone to get their yearly test done to see if I have taught them anything this year.

 Let's see if I can make myself feel a little worse. The oldest wants to be a large animal vet. Ahhh College. I can't even afford to fix the holes in my floor and now I have to send 3 kids to college. 

 Do they have pell grants for college students with a stupid parent?

SO, I just came to the realization about 20 minutes ago that I am totally ill-equipped to give them what I wanted to. Totally unskilled at being any sort of dutiful wife and hey, I can blame my mother for that right? That's all she prepared me for anyway. (Way to shoot for the moon there)

 All that being said. Apparently the only thing I can bring to the table is a well cooked meal. At least they'll never starve. As long as I go to the grocery store and buy all the things I need without forgetting something (which always happens) and feeling the wrath of Loser for apparently being 12 years old and stupid enough to forget it therefore making him go to the store with me, Which by the way I hate as much as he does but, That's what I'm supposed to do right? Eat it with a knife and fork, Smile, Say thank you and try to keep myself small.


 I'll be over there>>>>> Still treading water.

 

4 COUNT THEM!!! I know you won't.

 So, I like, finally went to the doctor at the behest (more like "You're going if I have to pop you in the ass with a tranq gun and drag you there. And I'm going in there and telling on you) of Loser. And seems like it was a totally wasted trip BECAUSE......I'm some weird mutant and normal chemical interaction doesn't work on me. At all.

 I was given 1 prescription for sleeping. A low dose "Let's see if this works" sleeping pill. And also a few samples of a sleeping pill that has a very pretty butterfly as it's mascot and I got nothin. 

 I go back in a week later for test results (I have horrid cholesterol problems.) And Mr. Dr. Man asks me how my sleeping is. I tell him to check my chart and make sure he didn't give me tic tacs. So he gives me something else. "This should work".

 No. It doesn't.

 Trip #3. 
 Dr : "Ok, Let's try this. Start with 2 and if that doesn't work, Then just take more."
Me : "How much more? Like, When should I say ' This might kill me.' ?" 
Dr : "Don't worry about that, Just take more until you fall asleep."
Me : *Blink, Blink*

I have to take like, 12 of those things to even yawn. He thinks he's sneaky though. I know one of those pills is an antidepressant. Makes me think Loser ran up there and had a conversation with him before I got there. Trying to get me on happy pills and make me sleep at the same time. I'm on to them. They can't fool me.


 Now between softball, baseball and trying to have a quasi normal sleep schedule, I feel my body fighting back intensely. It doesn't like me at all. And it damn sure doesn't like the fact that I'm trying to force it into submission.

 I'm hard headed like that. I keep telling myself that I'm going to win. I know better, But I still say it. Have to keep your chin up. Blah Blah Blah.

I'm going to continue to be inappropriate with my kids. Continue to drive my husband bonkers (That's what I do) And just generally be sort of myself. Mask and everything.

 Guess I should try the Dr 1 more time and see if he has any experimental drugs that could possibly put me down for a good 8-9 hours. Desperation is starting to sink in. I just want a good freakin nights sleep. I also would love for someone with the last name Joseph to name their kid "Jesus Marion".

  

 

Twitter?

 Ok, So, It's been long enough and I have gotten bored enough and decided that I am missing out on too much entertainment. I have finally signed up with Twitter. 

 Still learning the ropes. Still looking for people to follow. Like Jen over at My long lost twin.
Blake Shelton because, Face it. He's a freakin mess. All of my Harry Potter people. And whoever else I can think of. I like to think that these are my new friends. Gotta find em where you can and shit. 

 Just have to figure out this hashtag thing and all that crap. I've been on there for a whopping hour. Give me time for the love of all that's holy!!!!

 And here I am trying to figure out Twitter while watching the freaks on Doomsday Preppers. These people make me feel better about my life. 

 Oh, And I have found Pinterest. Loser may never have a conversation with me again unless it's something like 

 Me : We need to go to Home Depot.
 Loser : Why????
 Me : Don't ask questions. I've been on the internet. Just drive me there.

 You should all send him condolences now. 

 Oh and if you want to find me on Twitter, It's @helenwilliams79 .

Holy Crap!

 Think I have found something to make me happy.
It's fantastic. Don't know why it has taken me so long.

I speak, of course, Of....REDECORATING!!!! 

 Not just any redecoration, MY kind. Those who don't like it be damned.

 Started rummaging flea markets and ebay this weekend. I have found so many treasures.
Some that people may consider strange or weird. But some that I have found beautiful and special.   Such as

Isn't he beautiful?

I recently started watching a fantastic show called "Oddities" and it hit my in my face like a fucking cast iron pan.

 I WANT MY HOUSE TO LOOK LIKE THAT SHOP!

I also found a frog playing a guitar, A frog playing a harp and 2 cobras fighting a mongoose. 

Loser has yet to see these items. 

I shall imagine it to go something like 

Loser : The Fuck?

Me : Aren't they beautiful?

Loser : They dead animals dressed up, fighting and playing instruments.

Me : EXACTLY!!!!! They're perfect!

Loser : (as he's walking away) I have no idea what is wrong with you.

 He'll grow to love them. And the art! Oh my art! Any busted, creepy, torn picture I can find, I covet and then procure.Then find the proper frame that is just as busted and  just plain WTF! Looking!


 My house will be fantastic. Maybe I can find an entire band of taxidermied frogs with a Badger as conductor! *swoon*

Just wait until Loser reads THIS!.

*disclosure* This post was written while under the influence of prescription sleeping pills. Much love bitches!