My kids look FANTASTIC!

 It was that time again. The kids shoes were hanging on by a single thread and thier clothes were....Shall we say, A little shabby. Told Loser, It's time for clothes, Hope you have overtime this week. The poor thing tried his best to get me to take them by myself and shop without him. Hahahaha. I don't think so buddy. In the truck.

 Our 2 girls, 1 boy and my niece set off for a joyus, funfilled hour or more of thumbing through racks and endless streams of "But it fits." And "No, it doesn't. FIND SOMETHING ELSE". Don't forget the always present "Yes, it's a very pretty dress. Did you see if they sold the boobs to hold it up with?" I sent the boy child with his father to find him something that, even if it doesn't match, at least fits. I had the girls.

 Now my oldest is a strange little thing. Almost 15 and totally hates shopping. I tell her, "You're old enough. Go find some clothes and TRY THEM ON AND MAKE SURE THEY FIT!" She sulks away mumbling something under her breath. Probably something like "Why can't you just buy me sweat pants and t shirts." I let them pick thier own clothes. But I have the final say-so. So she disapeared.

 Next is the 11 year old girl. She LOVES shopping. We pick out a few things together and I send her to the dressing room. After another conversation of how pants should fit and the fact that they are called "skinny jeans" not "make you skinny jeans", She went back to the dressing room. Finally found 3 fabulous outfits. Another one looks great in great clothes.

 The niece is so easy to shop for. 12 years old and super tiny. I can still dress her like a little girl. A pair of shorts and a pair of super cute capri's and 2 shirts that match either. And of course, A new bathing suit. She tried them on and they look fantastic. She's so much fun!

 And of course, Mom was shopping while the leeches were trying things on. AND GUESS WHAT I FOUND!?  Candles. *dreamy sigh here*  Fantastic candles that smell fantastic and are big and heavy and will last forever and, Did I mention they smell fantastic?! Loser wasn't happy with that purchase of course. Oh well. They were at least cheap. I do consider him while I'm shopping. BUT THEY SMELL FANTASTIC!

 I also broke down and bought myself a pair of Shape-Ups. Needed a new pair of shoes. And if they DO help your ass go down a few sizes, Then they are so worth the $40. So the kids all got 3-4 outfits a piece and a new pair of shoes. I got a dress, shoes & candles. Loser got some new boots. $500. It hurts. They are so freakin expensive. Even doing my best to save where I can, Sometimes you just have to spend it in order to have your kids not looking like street urchins begging for change in the streets of London.

 I am totally justifying my shoe purchase on "My back is hurt". I did it to myself, But it's still hurt. I guess that's what I get for lugging oak logs from a ditch into the back of a truck in flip flops. Loser smokes alot of meat and we just happened across an oak tree that had been cut down and just left in a ditch just waiting for us to grab it. I however didn't expect to throw my back out in the process. The pain is horrendous. It woke me up 3-4 times last night. Took me a while to figure out "WTF!" Then I thought. "Oh, I was carrying logs out of a ditch!" Because doesn't every sane person carry crazy, heavy logs out of ditches while wearing flip flops?

 Needles to say. I spent the evening shopping for 4 twatwaffles, Loser and myself. Spent WAY too much money all while in such terrible pain I couldn't think of what I was doing. But my shoes are going to help and the candles will help calm me down. Dontcha think?

Addicted? Of course not.

 My husband thinks I have a problem. I don't see it. I can quit any time I want. It's not an "addiction". I just like them. They make me happy. The smell makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I like to see the flame of the lighter, match, propane torch, tooth pick you have to set on fire from the burner on the stove because you can't find anything else!

Yes. Candles.

 Candles everywhere. I'm very, very picky about my candles. They have to be an attractive color. No sweet smells. If I want my house to smell like brownies, then by golly I want to be able to eat them. That applies to cookies, sweet rolls, birthday cake, and even fruit.

 The color is also very important. I can sit for ages shopping for candles all the while my husband sits and sighs, moans, shifts his weight and whines like a 2 year old. Doesn't he get it? You can't simply just grab and go. Candle choice is a very intricate process. There are several different aspects you have to take into consideration.

 #1. Scent. This is, of course the most important. One must take different things into account. I, for one, Like to have the scent of my candles coinside with my other household smells. These include but are not limited to ; Laundry, Cooking, Cleaning products, And also bath products. Therefore I tend to really enjoy CLEAN smells. Anything linen or cotton goes to the top of my list.

 #2. Color. This is a small fraction of candle choice. You don't want a big flame drawing attention to a lime green candle in the middle of  your end table while other decorations are tastefully muted. (Lime green does NOT match anything. Why do they even make these)???

 #3. Wax quality. I do, yes I do. Try and take current economic situations into account when purchasing my candles. Soy burns all the way so you don't have that "Left over" in the bottom of the cup. HOWEVER, I like to use regular candles and chip out my wax. I then seperate that wax, according to scent, and save those wax pieces. THEN!!! THEN!!! You put those pieces into an oil burner and now? Just light a tea light! SAVE THE MAN SOME MONEY!

 #4. I like it, I want it, It's on sale, You made me mad so now you have to pay. I've done this many times. Loser comes home and checks the bank account and I see the beads of sweat form on his forehead. He rubs his temples and sighs heavily. Seeing the $100 charge for online shopping at which ever site I happened across, He begins to relive the last 2-3 days trying to figure out just what he did to warrant such punishment. Some times it can be something as small as me being in a bad mood. (Or the 12th day of the month). Or it could be a complete oversight on his fault. Not my problem. He should pay attention. Now I get candles.

 So ladies, This isn't an addiction, Merely another way to make my home a more warm, inviting and loving place that smells good.  Although my cats may not agree. Now, I must go and clean off the 34 candle jars off my dresser.

My kids are pervs.....

 My kids worry me sometimes. Maybe I've been too open with them. Nah, That can't be it. They're just pervs. I blame MTV.
 We're sitting at the supper table when my youngest asks "How old were you when you lost your virginity?" *Uhhh* Then I look down the table and my oldest is waving at me. As if to say, "Yeah....I'm proof."
 The middle one speaks up, "what, 16?" Thinking that was a great age and the math worked out I quickly said "YES". I'm still standing by that 16 by the way.
 Then I notice the oldest's boyfriend doing weird things with the salt & pepper shakers. Sex ed at the supper table. My Publix Pilgrim *yes I know it's June* salt & pepper shakers were doing it on my table. Loser is chuckling, the kids are howling and I'm trying to conceal my laughter. Didn't work too good.
 I guess it doesn't help when me and Loser are making nasty jokes and egging them on. They aren't stupid and I'm not going to be that parent that thinks "My kids will never know about sex". Being open, especially with my oldest, has shown her that sex is best waited for. I have never lied to her about how hard it was being a 17 year old mother. She doesn't want any of it. She likes to babysit and give them back.
 It also makes talking to her alot easier. She comes to me in a heartbeat to talk to about any problems her and the boyfriend are having. And it gives us excellent fodder for jokes.
We have a rule. "If it's funny, You aren't in trouble". We laugh alot around here.
 Be it a dirty joke or finding my figurines placed in comprimising positions by 1 or more of the many leeches in my house. Sometimes even Loser.
 I guess we'll just keep on being pervs. I guess they learned it from us after all.

Happy Father's Day!

 Father's Day has been a little bitter sweet for the past 10 years or so. I lost my father in 2000. But I love celebrating my husband and the awesome father that he is. He works his fingers to the bone to take care of me, 3 kids and however many extra kids we have on any given day. I couldn't ask for a better father for my spawn.
 Happy Father's Day to my husband the Loser. And Daddy, I miss you.

I need stronger fishin line :/

 Had 3 huge fish on my line today. Snapped line every time! Saturdays have become fishing days in my house now that there aren't any ball games. We load the cooler, lanterns, tackle box & bait (I like shrimp, Loser prefers worms) into the truck and strap 8 fishing poles to the top of the truck and yell at the twatwaffles to get in or get left.
 We left today for our normal spot which is 5 minutes from the house. We live in the woods so it's always quiet. We get there and there are already 7 people in our frakin spot! We decide to take a quick trip *ha* across the county line and see how the fishin was over there. A 45 minute drive through some of the deepest woods I had ever been in and we see water!
 EVERYBODY OUT! Poles down, hooked and baited. Cooler and everything else left in the truck until we see how the fish bite. Needless to say, We left at 11pm.
 I feel a nibble on my hook, See my bobber acting like a, epileptic with parkinsons and start reeling. Get it to land, See how big this blue whale on the end of my line is and *pop*. Damn. All before the rest of the freaks could even get thier lines in the water. 
 I need stonger line. Now it's personal. I will be back tomorrow with more shrimp.
 Loser has requested fishing and fried chicken for Father's Day. I can sit on the creek bank until the game warden kicks my redneck ass out. But I have agreed to fry chicken. I only get half a day to catch my nemesis. My twatwaffles can walk down the bank and find thier own freakin spot. I taught them to rig thier own poles just so I could fish in peace and not hear thier whining. "MOM! My weights fell off" Then you should have put then on right. Now go away and don't spill my *juice*. "MOM! I lost my hook!" Then learn to tie a tighter knot and don't spill my *juice*. "MOM! My line is snagged!" I know darlin, Those stump bass are a bitch. Don't knock over my ashtray water bottle. *DISCLAIMER* COME ON PEOPLE! IF YOU SMOKE, DON'T LEAVE YOUR CRAP ALL OVER THE PLACE!
 I did catch a good size bream. The kids and Loser caught some pretty catfish. The oldest bloodsucker's boyfriend caught either a bowfin or a snakeshead. We're still in deliberation.

Take me out to th....Oh, Margaritas!

 So, Tonight was my youngest twatwaffle's little league party. Picture it, 9 boys, Ages 9-11, plus parents, at a Baseball game for our local minor league team. Complete with trophies, cake and other various activites.
 Loser called on the way home from work to inform me of this and in so doing, he woke me up. I had been up all night getting all this leftover clutter from a yard sale ready (that's a story for a whole other day) so a local shelter could come and pick it up at 1pm. They never showed up, called, or emailed. Shitheads.
 So after 2 hours of sleep, I get up and get ready for this fabulous night. On the drive there, the rain hits. And continues hitting. We arrive on time *gasp* and begin the festivities. The boys recieve thier trophies and a park official leads them to the dugout. They meet players and have them sign as many inanimate objects as possible. One may have offered a cup, but that hasn't been confirmed.
 After that, they take the field with the big boys for the national anthem. Lucky's.
And that's when we found them. While our children were being gaurded over by seemingly responsible adults (that happen to take 90mph baseball's to the head on occasion) I got thirsty. I sent Loser to find me something and what does this fabulous hunk of man flesh bring me? TEQUILA!
 Baseball, Cotton Candy & Tequila! What a game. While the rain was battling it's very own case of ADD, All the parents gathered under a tent while the brain damaged boy children stood in the rain and cheered. It was ok though. I had tequila. I cannot tell you how happy I was to see that all the parents that were worth a shit showed up. The "Bleacher Coaches" as I like to call them, Stayed home.
 It was fantastic to sit and sip an adult beverage and talk to other parents about our off spring's failings on the field. (hey, They're 9,10 & 11) So liberating to speak your mind that has been unencumbered by the tequila and threatening the boys with bodily harm if they tapped those damn 18 inch bats one more *hiccup* time.
 I remember growing up and thinking that authority figures such as teachers, coaches, etc... were perfect. Never letting the demon liquor touch thier lips, Never uttering a bad word in anger, Never making dirty jokes. Now that I am one of those authority figures, BOY was I wrong!
 We have decided that, since the season is over for little league, And I have 3 acres of open land and a very large smoker, There will be summer softball games and cookouts because all of us are just a little unhinged.
 I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FIRST GAME!

Here we go.....

 Ok. I did it. I found 30 minutes before my brood of demon spawn awake to start this. I've wanted to for a while. Here I am. A 32 year old, Married for 15 years to possibly the very best man there is on earth, and mother to 3....things. Life long resident of Florida. Stay at home mom. Homeschooling my lovely *cough* children.
 Is it wrong to crack a bottle open at 10am?
 I wanted to start this blog as a way to get things out of my head without clogging up my "friends" feeds on Facebook. Those poor souls. So you lovely people (if any ever read this) get the pleasure of my idiotic and sometimes freaking weirdo rants.
 Let me introduce you to my family. (names protected to protect the twatwaffles) By the way, The "children" will, furthermore be refered to as "Twatwaffles". There are 3. I always have AT LEAST 1 extra kid around here. Love every single one of thier weirdo heads though.
 There is a 9 year old boy, An 11 year old girl and a (chug from bottle) 14 year old girl. Not to mention (light a cigarette) the 14 year old boyfriend.
 My husband *Loser* as I affectionatley call him, Will forever be working overtime to afford my liqour consuption as these twatwaffles get older.
 So....Just so we're clear. I'm Helen. A 32 year old, married, drinking, smoking, homeschooling stay at home mom in Florida with 3 things and a boyfriend *hiss*. I'll be sure and introduce you to there rest of the family next time.