Seriously. How in the hell did I think I could raise and home school 3 children, Hold down a household, Be a completely understanding and supportive wife?
Lying here trying to go to sleep (keep dreamin sunshine),
I started wondering when I had this weird idea.
"Yes, Trying to be supermom and keep my intact sanity all at one was a fabulous idea!"
Twatwaffle #1 will be 16 in 4 months. She can receive her GED in September. Is she going to be able to get it? Did I do my job? Did I give her everything she needs? What if they tell her " Sorry, But your mom is a dumbass and you're actually on a 4th grade level." Seriously. And I have 2 more behind her. My kids will end up changing tires and feeding pigeons in the park cursing me for being a completely incompetent mother that barely taught them to read. Can't even find someone to get their yearly test done to see if I have taught them anything this year.
Let's see if I can make myself feel a little worse. The oldest wants to be a large animal vet. Ahhh College. I can't even afford to fix the holes in my floor and now I have to send 3 kids to college.
Do they have pell grants for college students with a stupid parent?
SO, I just came to the realization about 20 minutes ago that I am totally ill-equipped to give them what I wanted to. Totally unskilled at being any sort of dutiful wife and hey, I can blame my mother for that right? That's all she prepared me for anyway. (Way to shoot for the moon there)
All that being said. Apparently the only thing I can bring to the table is a well cooked meal. At least they'll never starve. As long as I go to the grocery store and buy all the things I need without forgetting something (which always happens) and feeling the wrath of Loser for apparently being 12 years old and stupid enough to forget it therefore making him go to the store with me, Which by the way I hate as much as he does but, That's what I'm supposed to do right? Eat it with a knife and fork, Smile, Say thank you and try to keep myself small.
I'll be over there>>>>> Still treading water.
So, I like, finally went to the doctor at the behest (more like "You're going if I have to pop you in the ass with a tranq gun and drag you there. And I'm going in there and telling on you) of Loser. And seems like it was a totally wasted trip BECAUSE......I'm some weird mutant and normal chemical interaction doesn't work on me. At all.
I was given 1 prescription for sleeping. A low dose "Let's see if this works" sleeping pill. And also a few samples of a sleeping pill that has a very pretty butterfly as it's mascot and I got nothin.
I go back in a week later for test results (I have horrid cholesterol problems.) And Mr. Dr. Man asks me how my sleeping is. I tell him to check my chart and make sure he didn't give me tic tacs. So he gives me something else. "This should work".
No. It doesn't.
Trip #3.
Dr : "Ok, Let's try this. Start with 2 and if that doesn't work, Then just take more."
Me : "How much more? Like, When should I say ' This might kill me.' ?"
Dr : "Don't worry about that, Just take more until you fall asleep."
Me : *Blink, Blink*
I have to take like, 12 of those things to even yawn. He thinks he's sneaky though. I know one of those pills is an antidepressant. Makes me think Loser ran up there and had a conversation with him before I got there. Trying to get me on happy pills and make me sleep at the same time. I'm on to them. They can't fool me.
Now between softball, baseball and trying to have a quasi normal sleep schedule, I feel my body fighting back intensely. It doesn't like me at all. And it damn sure doesn't like the fact that I'm trying to force it into submission.
I'm hard headed like that. I keep telling myself that I'm going to win. I know better, But I still say it. Have to keep your chin up. Blah Blah Blah.
I'm going to continue to be inappropriate with my kids. Continue to drive my husband bonkers (That's what I do) And just generally be sort of myself. Mask and everything.
Guess I should try the Dr 1 more time and see if he has any experimental drugs that could possibly put me down for a good 8-9 hours. Desperation is starting to sink in. I just want a good freakin nights sleep. I also would love for someone with the last name Joseph to name their kid "Jesus Marion".
