Hanging on by a thread.

 I read just a few other blogs. I find other women that I identify with and I cling to them. When they rant about their children being emotional bloodsuckers, I say "Mine too! Finally, Someone get's it." When they talk about their husbands and the lack of support, quality time, and just plain marriage they yearn for, I scream "Preach it". 

 Sometimes however, One of them hit close to home and make me really look at myself and take a step back. REALLY look at myself. And that happened big time about a month ago.

 Jen, Over at My favorite blog evar! did something I will probably never have the lady balls to do. She told everyone, And I mean everyone about her struggle with depression. The words that she typed and held onto for a month jumped off of my screen and bitch slapped me into reality. As I read, I couldn't believe that someone else was not only feeling the same things, But openly telling the world just how bad it really is. It's not a "bad day" It's not a "Funk" *which is my favorite way of describing my worse than usual days*, It's every day. You struggle with it. You fight it. You try and conquer it and it slaps you back on your ass every time.

 Laughing is my favorite action. I find it hard to do. I make myself do it sometimes. I find myself sitting and thinking about things that don't matter to anyone else but they mean the world to me. Not being trusted hurts. Not with something like your life savings, But simple every day life. I feel like I'm being cut away a bit at a time. It's hard and it hurts, Being used to having people come to you with their problems and then having them tell people "Just don't tell her".


 I've always been the ear to listen or shoulder to cry on. Never asked for one in return. The only ear or shoulder I've ever had was Loser. He listens to me rant and rave. He gives me tissue when I cry, He holds me when I just can't take it anymore. But who do I go to when I need to talk about him? I find myself hiding things from him just to spare him. He's my husband not my therapist. 


 The sleepless nights hurt a lot. I always thought that having the size family that I have, Someone would always be there. So many of us have so many problems these days *I think*.  I try and find my own way through it, But like Jen up there ^^^, I realized I can't. No one should have to cry themselves to sleep at least twice a week. No one should hide and wear that mask that makes everyone think you've got it together. I've gotten good at that. Too good I think. 


 I can't anymore. My body is telling me every day that I can't keep doing this. I have to find it in myself to be able to look at that monster and realize he has no power over me, But damnit. He's pretty powerful right now.




  


 

Doesn't count as a real post.....

Awash in a pit of despair and depression. Not feeling it at all. Back under the covers.